In all, Worship, and Serve.

I'm looking at this scrapbooking blog., and I'm just thinking to myself, This lady has developed a following of over 1500 readers, simply because she took her talent and interest and presented it to the public through a (free) avenue--her blog. She's probably been scrapbooking as a normal thing in her life, and now, because she stepped out there and decided to do something more with it, she's developed a real niche for herself. Something to focus on, something to be proud of, to make her husband see that, yes I've been crafting in my little corner, but look at this--other people care too. 1500+ people. I think that's pretty amazing.

I guess I'm having a little trouble developing the confidence in my hobbies that I would like to have. I would like to be more proud of the ways I spend my time, to not feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. Housework can certainly make you feel like it's not an accomplishment, considering that even though you pour your all into it, it needs to be done yet again within like a week or two. And while I love scrapbooking and papercrafts, it's definitely not bringin in any money, nor is it really reaching other people.

Perhaps there is a way to live out the Kingdom through scrapbooking. The first thing I think of is to invite people over, to use crafts as a medium to build relationships and to talk/share with others. Also, perhaps it can even become a ministry of sorts. I can see it now, "The Way's Scrapbooking Ministry will be meeting this Saturday at noon. Bring your pictures, your albums, and all your scraps for an afternoon of creativity, tea and coffee. Let's create memories together!" I mean, that's how ministry is suposed to work. God has given us talents and gifts so that they may be used for the furthering of His kingdom. I think back to a girl, Jenny, who I studied abroad with in Costa Rica. She worked with some other Christians there as part of a Surfing Ministry. She loved surfing, wanted community, so why not use it to reach others?

The other thing is that while I'm scrapbooking, I worship. Scrapbook pages are a celebration of what God has done in our lives. When I look at pictures and relive memories, I'm able to reflect on how God has blessed me in a way that the rip-and-run pace of life does not accommodate. I'm able to meditate on how He's given me family, love, joy, bountiful blessings that I couldn't even imagine years ago. I'm living the life that He has promised, and I wouldn't have it any other way. So, perhaps through making it a comittment to listen to worship music and offer prayers to God through my creations, scrapbooking will help establish and further the Kingdom in my heart and ultimately allow my gratitude and God's glory to flow through me to others more concretely.

let it out

"If you have the urge to be creative, then it's imperative that you express it."--a man whose name I do not know.

From the trailer for "Who Does She Think She Is?", a film about women, creativity, family, motherhood, and the various tensions women artists experience.

Crafts Galore

I'm on this really strong craft binge right now. It started with the scrapbooking. Then it was crocheting, (which didn't go too far). Then I got excited about doing a puzzle. But I bought a 1,000 piece one and didn't have the patience to finish it. We did about 100 pieces before I had to go get one of those puzzle mats that let you roll up what you're doing and come back to it when convenient.

Nevertheless, here lately, with the holiday season, my creative spark has reignited. As a result, I embarked on a dazzling array of projects: front door wreath, garlands, 50+ christmas cards, handmade Christmas gifts for our neighbors, complete with intricately handmade tags, and photo frame gifts. It's very exciting.

I've always had an affinity for crafting. I've tried my hand at a number of activities throughout the years: latch hook rugs, sewing with Grandma, origami (on a very amateur level), painting picture frames, a teensy dab of cross-stitching, and, of course, some painting (watercolor, mostly).

But the cool thing is, now I've got the freedom and resources to actually build on my crafty inclinations. With working part-time, having a daughter, trying to save money (on gifts, home decor, and the rest), and trying to be as resourceful as possible by reusing what we already have, crafting comes as a natural hobby worth loving. During the Black Friday sales, I was able to snag a nifty $99 craft cart for about 30 bucks. Complete with drawers and about 20 compartments for all my pens & little embellishments, it's a dream come true. It even has little ribbon spindles on the side!

So with that, I'm in the process of reorganizing our kitchen to accommodate these little treasures. While doing so, I posted on my fb that I was looking for organization supplies. One fb friend responds, "The Container Store is great!" Ha! Container Store my foot! The stuff they sell is priced at least 3x what it's probably worth. More like Ikea's $2 magazine holders. That's my kind of deal. I really love how it's all coming together. Slowly, but surely!

It's funny how I'm able to come up with craft ideas and inspiration even without cable TV or spending lots of money on books. Between At Home with Lisa Quinn, which comes on LiveWellHD channel 7-2 (thanks, DTV!), She's Crafty, which comes on some obscure dtv channel but I guess is aired in Canada, and of course, the big mamma jamma--the internet, complete with YouTube and a host of great idea sites, I've got all I need to be on a creative roll! I've been soaking up sites like:

http://www.designspongeonline.com wonderful craft projects, modern, easy-to-follow directions, clear pictures. The site authors are funny, speak to the audience directly, so I've grown "familiar" with this site.

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/ inspiration for home decor, diy projects. Some ideas are a little too avant garde for me, but I still like browsing the posts and pics.

http://photojojo.com/ I recently discovered this site (thnks to lisa quinn), but I've already fallen in love with it. Hands down the best photo projects I've ever seen. Nifty tools and ideas that reveal the creators' creativity. Love, love the ideas, the pictures, the uniqueness of the projects they've posted. Just all-around cool.

Finally, I just want to say Thank You, Lord, for bringing me this far. I remember when I didn't even have a place to keep any of my belongings. I also remember the precious times I got to share with Grandma while I was a child & pre-teen. We'd take countless trips to Hancock Fabrics and the other craft store nearby it. She'd let me pick out which patterns I wanted to work on: mostly shorts, simple skirts and a couple times, some really hard dresses that I'd need serious help from her on. She'd also continuously support my decisions to try something new. Even if it was something she'd never worked with before and that she didn't know if I'd actually follow-through with, she still bought me the supplies and gave me the space to create. I am eternally grateful for that. I believe that's what gave me the confidence to pick this back up now, with hopes of making things that show thoughtfulness, love and effort.

It is my prayer that Grandma's very best would continue to live on through me and the things I create. It is also my prayer that Sarai (and subsequent children) would love crafts, emanate creativity, and embrace projects with passion and humble gratitude. I hope that my family will look forward to creating things together and see arts and crafts as an opportunity to discover and share their hearts and selves with others. I'm thankful that the times of lack I've experienced have birthed within me the qualities of resourcefulness, gratitude, and a strong resolve to make the most of what I have. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

ineffable

my writing never seems to be able to capture
the entirety of the moment.

either i leave out the setting
the impetus for writing
the related thoughts that came before
the intensity of the moment OR
the tangents that tantalize en route

something is always,
and will always be,

missing

i think more slowly when i write.

and i talk faster than i think.

giving thanks

[Re-published from my prayer blog]

If I really, really think about it, I'm not really sure what it is that I want to do.

I feel like I'm good at a number of things. And although I'm no longer in the college smorgasbord mode anymore, I do still feel a sense of openness about the world, and I know that I have not truly begun a lifelong career of anything yet.

Of course, I have a teaching credential. So that kind of gives me something that I can always do. I also feel a need to teach, simply so that I can get chunks of that massive 'grad school' debt paid off. (Don't get me started on USF). Anyway, even when I signed up for the credential program, I never expected it to be a lifelong career by any means. I wanted to teach at b-tech. I needed a credential to do it. Got in, got a credential, then a masters, then got out. bada-bing-bada-boom. oh yeah, the debt. eerrghh. *balls fists*, *pants furiously*

Beyond teaching, though, I don't know what else I truly like to do. I don't necessarily want to be my own boss. I'm not quite comfortable with managing my own list of to-do tasks and deciding how/what to do next.

For some reason, I feel like I missed something I once wanted: a cohort-style program, like Urban Fellows or even t4a. I don't like the idea of t4a because it's too big and it's a fallback for so many people and I just don't want to be one of "them," whoever they are. But I did miss the opportunity, if you will, to be a part of something tightly organized, well-established, highly programmatic and noteworthy at the same time. Not on a grandiose scale, but on a here-were-my-job-duties/that-was-the-philosophy kind of cushion. I would have liked to have that.

But instead I did the intern-teacher thing, went to a bootsey private university. (OK, it was not bootsey by any standard...just expensive. Thank God I didn't have to go to chatman or holy names or something far away) Worked at the continuation high school, had a baby, took some time off, and alas, here I am now: teaching online classes, still at the cont hs at least, connected to some people who I feel blessed to work with (students esp.)

But I still feel a tug towards something more.

And right now, I don't think that is pli (neither now nor later). I don't really want to be a principal, an administrator, a dean, a superintendent or anything like that. I don't necessarily want to be all up in the system like that. I have not yet articulated the why not, but right now I know that I don't. I will save that for another entry. In short, though, those are careers that seem so stagnant, like something of the past. You go to college, get a degree, get an advanced certificate, get a job. Stay at that job for 35 years or something. Work there, learn the job, get to know all the ins and outs of the duties, the people, the organization, the whole system of which it's all a part.

And then, ultimately, it's like you become a part of the background or something. A statue that just is. Lots of people have come and gone, but you've managed to stay there for a really long time. You lose sight of the reasons why you came into this job in the first place. An inkling of the philosophy you once had is still there, having survived massive attacks from reality through the years. But your passion is gone. You are not making change anymore. There is a change wave though, and it involves whisking people like you away. Another school of thought has come onto the scene, and you become an emblem of history. Thus...after the hullabaloo of the retirement party fades away, so do you.

K, that was a tangent. Anyway, I know that plenty of people design their own paths, if you will. (Of course God is in control and He's got it all worked out, but allow me to speak from a limited human perspective for a bit.) There are people who do things that seem like they have to be forever, and they do them for a while. And then they do something that honestly, I have a hard time conceiving. They change. They make a move in their career that upends what they've been doing and they do something else. I know it's possible. I just haven't met enough people who have done that yet. I remember hearing a statistic in college that they average person stays at a particular job for 5 years. Just 5 years. And then they move on to something else. Maybe even a different career altogether.

So in some ways, this entry marks my place on the road toward professionalism. It shows that I've only been working for a few years and I have no real sense of how things are "supposed" to work and how to make the best decisions for my next moves in life. I'm having trouble seeing that life does gives room for ups and downs and changes and whatever is needed to make it work. And I'm just getting started. I always tend to think that I need to hurry up and make a decision and always be pushing toward something else. I have trouble just living in the moment and enjoying this time for what it is. I know that that's only exacerbated by considering what I "coulda been done" by now (be finishing a PhD, have graduated from hgse r&p)

That is not good stewardship.

I need to look at where God has brought me and what He is doing in my life here and now--not in some fantastical realm somewhere.

God has orchestrated my whole life. He allowed me to have a grandmother who instilled in me a sense of Purpose, self-efficacy and determination. Despite all that I saw growing up, including a sense of entrapment in poverty, poor coping mechanisms (drugs, alcohol, displaced anger, abuse). Despite all of the ups and downs our family has faced, God has been faithful. He has provided me with stability, with consistency, and with tremendous destiny!

Who am I to not give thanks? Who am I to look longingly at a past that never was, at a set of benchmarks that He didn't ordain, and see a reason to complain? A reason to feel unaccomplished, inadequate, inferior, indeed--unblessed and unimportant?? Oh vanity!

Forgive me, Lord!

I know that by Your Power, by Your mighty Spirit, you have blessed me to make it this far. I know that great are the plans you have for me, and that the best place I can seek to be is in the center of Your will. The best goal I can seek to reach is to obey You, to honor You with my whole life: my thoughts, my ambitions, my personal sense of accomplish. Let Thy will be made manifest in me. This is my prayer. In Jesus' name, amen.

overcoming | fear of dentists

Today marked another important step on my journey to overcoming fear. My fear of the dentist started when I was young--a byproduct of being too poor and not connected enough to know that there were options regarding which dentist we could see. Growing up, "dentist" to me equaled random hard-to-understand man who came in to do his duty, spoke harshly, caused me lots of pain, and then went into the "back," never to be seen again. And the dentist office from the outside resembled any other flashy chain store, like Ross, Sears or Dollar Tree. I never realized that the dentist could be someone with whom you developed a workable relationship and *gasp* might even look forward to seeing from time to time.

Anyway, all that meant was that I got used to hearing bad news every time I went (which was maybe once/year), and all I could ever think of was those needles and the way they kept going even when I raised my hand to tell them it hurt, like they told me to. That fear has gotten me nowhere but here---in need of 3+ root canals and a host of fillings to mend the problem-ridden teeth I've gotten used to. I remember one dentist told me when I was in college, that I must "eat lots of candies" and another said that my teeth seem "very susceptible" to cavities.

On the one hand are the numerous real-life horror stories I've had in dentists offices: from having my 2 front teeth pulled at age 4 because they'd turned brown, to receiving 14 shots to perform 6 fillings in one visit when I was in middle school, to being shown the stringy, bloody mass that was a hard-to-extract wisdom tooth. Then on the other hand, I have horrid, recurring dreams about my teeth crumbling in my hands, breaking into jagged pieces in my mouth, me spitting the shards out piece by piece. Couple these two together and a visit to the dentist represents the real life manifestation of a nightmare. Or the nightmarish manifestation of my previous reality.

Alas! God is good. Today, I had my second root canal as a full-grown adult. And I didn't cry one bit. Dr. Fong was so great. Explained procedure along the way, spoke softly, numbed me well. It went so great, I was even texting mid-procedure, as I waited for "chemicals" to penetrate. Even snapped a self-portrait and sent it over to my lil sis...now THAT's progress.

I sat in that chair and was just overcome with thanks, though. To be able to listen to that drill, smell the strange burning, then the potent chlorine-containing substances, feel the vibrations, all of it...and still feel relaxed? All God.

Just so happened to have my daughter's teething rings in my sweater pocket. Kept fingering that as a reminder of my need and desire to be strong. Also made a promise to myself that I will do right by her in the way of her dental hygiene so that she will never end up with the kinds of nightmares* I've been known to have.

I'm actually looking forward to going back and developing/continuing my doctor-patient relationship with my very own great dentist. He even called me this evening to see how I was doing. Now, that's health care!

just a few places I've seen Him

all for the glory of God: The common thread in my life, no matter what may happen. No matter what changes I go through, what new things pop up in society, what wave of thought/ideology/ becomes popular, what happens in my family, my life, this world. No matter what, I will follow Jesus. I will seek him and I will find him.

It is utterly refreshing to know that amidst the changes that comes simply with the tides of life, the pendulum of history, amidst those changes, God remains the same. He spoke to me years ago now, about what He had for me to do: to serve in the the inner-city, to love those who are ignored, who seem unlovable. To share my experiences and to be a blessing. To learn of Him through my journey and work. That is, to discover Him in the city. To find his hope there.

And I am oh-so-glad I have chosen to follow Him!! Slowly, but surely. Certainly. I am finding Him.

He is in so many places. I catch glimpses of Him day by day. And to write of them is to attempt to describe something grand and Larger than, something so personal I have never tried to articulate it in intelligible words.

He is in the fervor in the voices of mothers who want their children to do better than they did.

He is in the heart, the inner-self, the deepest inextricable part of those who've had their backs against the wall, who've made decisions out of what they knew. Those who, limited in their options, have done what they could with what they had--family, gov't help, their own two feet, etc.

He is in the desire young people have to do better. The desire, deep down, to stop end their use of drugs, to come to school, to have a parent say "I love you", to have a teacher say "I care about you" and mean it. The desire to have a hope, and a future. The smile they give when we say we're proud of them. The little things they do to help each other out--console, advise, agree, direct.

wondering about justice

I just finished watching an episode of Justice, a program on PBS that is a televised series of lectures from Harvard University. The episode centered on two topics: military recruitment and surrogate motherhood. The general question that permeated both open class discussions was: are these practices unjust? The format for discussion was open for students to respond and engage with questions posed both by the professor and also by their peers. It was interesting how the conversations took shape and seemed to end with students realizing that their initial answers to that question of justice contradicted their later answers (based on general consensus polls).

Basically, it got me to thinking...How do you interrogate issues of justice without a moral center?

I'm really curious as to how that works. I mean, certainly, that is the case in law schools across the nation. Law schools are inherently secular in that they teach, promote and refer to a legal system of a non-religious allegiance. Yet the issues so often prove to be moral ones for so many people. How does a a group of people pondering law then dig into and tackle these issues without a common ground for morality. I'm sure any student of law would likely be able to help me understand the pretext and context for how this works.

My understanding of the answer to my original question is that justice in this nation functions with no necessity of morality. Indeed, the concept of morality is one that, while it may overlap with notions of what is just, does not have as much credence in a court of law, as say, the law itself. On the other hand of course, laws do point to a general sense of morality, such as it is generally immoral to kill another person, but the priorities of law do not require morality as a prerequisite for justice. Therefore there comes a point in secular law when just does not equal moral. So, again...how do you conceive of justice without a moral center? What, then, does justice even mean?

overcoming | fears of talking, loving

some thoughts i had while at the hair salon.
[because i'll certainly lose the little note paper i jotted them down on while driving home]

1. Most times, it is unnecessary to preface what we say with arguments against what we are about to say. While it seems like that serves the purpose of demonstrating our exhaustive, or at least comprehensive, knowledge of the subject and popular or opposing thoughts about it, perhaps our statements can be made most bold upon the simple stating of them. This intent is necessary for our ability to be comfortable in speaking, or more specifically, in conversing. By confidently saying what we mean, we convince. In this, convincing comes to be, not as an end unto itself, but as a byproduct of our very existence.

2. By acting in the direction of love, we act in love. Although we do not automatically know how to love one another, by going in the direction of love, we indeed act in love. That is to say, love is not a mission-vision-values type of endeavor that requires an advance strategic plan or pre-charted roadmap in order for it to come to pass. If we willingly take one step at a time and commit selfless, charitable acts one to another, that is love manifest. And when love is manifest it becomes; it is engendered and grows. Its liveliness is propelled by the continual manifestations of it. So whether we know how to love or how we will love in times to come, at least in acting in the way of love, out of the way of self (pretensions, comfort for comfort's sake, greed, vainglory, personal benefit), at least in going that way, we can know that we are lov-ing. As an action. One moment at a time. One choice at a time.

devo | ⌘n

I love the regenerative nature of the internet and many computer applications. Exhausted your things-to-do on a particular website? Enter new contents in the address bar and the site you were just on becomes the stuff of history.

No longer intrigued by the array of news at your fingertips, but considering coming back to it a little later? Hit command+t and a new tab presents amazingly endless possibilities for your investigative pleasure.

Run out of ideas as you outline that path of thought in Word? Command+n gives you an all new canvas onto which you can visualize your latest musings.

Better yet, use the Word Notebook palette and it can automatically organize those thoughts into an official outline format, giving you the space to sort your sub-thoughts and more. I digress.

The point is, computer programs allow you to create, delete, recreate, store, restore, redesign and just continue on a long-lasting adventure of doing and making. I like that.

And even more than I like that, I like how God gives us a similar opportunity to change things around. His word reminds us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. We can go through life trying to make do with what we have, or we can search His word and His way for what we might be missing.

Only when our minds are renewed are we able to truly appreciate the life he has given us. With a renewed mind, we can see opportunity even where closed doors abound. We can hear "victory" when failure seems imminent.

When our minds are renewed, we are afforded a fresh start again and again. We can go forth with a blessed assurance that our next steps will be better than our previous ones, enriched by the new insight we have from hindsight.

That is vision. And coupled with the kind of strength acquired only by making a few mistakes and learning from them, this vision functions like the command+n I so love and need. Let's not forget to give God thanks for his amazing reNEWal.

The public articulation of our thoughts renders us vulnerable.

to bcm at cal

As we stood on Cal's campus today watching the display of cultural rhythms and passionate purveyors of Black pride, I was struck. I was struck by the bold display of our presence on that campus--one whose demographic statistics attest to a shrinking Black population. I loved seeing the different groups out there tabling, giving meandering Black students an opportunity to see that there are others who may be like them, others who've weathered the storms of Cal and come out stronger. But most of all, I was inspired by the leaders and participants of BCM.

You've come a long way, BCM. You students who carry the tremendous mantle of African-American Christian outreach on Cal's campus are carrying forth the vision, prayers and dreams of those of us who came before you. Those of us who preceded you in tenure at Cal can remember the days when all we had in the way of outreach was a weekly Bible study, one study that afforded the five or six of us who came faithfully an opportunity mostly to connect with each other. God gave us strength to endure the trials of attending one of the world's premier educational institutions--a place that lauds constant critical critique and often scoffs at the mere thought of believing in something/one you cannot scientifically or theoretically prove.

Still, we did what God asked us to do; we sought Him, served Him and committed our time and talents to the work of campus ministry. And more than anything, I believe that God set it in our hearts to pray. That time in BCM @Cal's history was one in which God tested our faithfulness to ask Him for what we had need of. This time in BCM @Cal's history is one in which God is rewarding that faithfulness in a way that far exceeds any predetermined expectations we may have had for Him on the campus of our alma mater.

When I sat at that BCM table and looked out at the BCM gospel choir belting out: "I'm goin' home to live with Jesus! Fare thee well, Fare thee well!" my heart leaped within me. For there, on the steps of Sproul, our beautiful people displayed our culture, gratitude and faith. We, a tireless people who have endured ridicule, withstood disparagement and survived dehumanization, can stand tall, link arms, and articulate ourselves with all the intellect, passion, and flavor with which God has so blessed us. As I listened to you all belt out with fervor your love for God, you sang the melodies of those who came before you--not just alumni, but those who paved the way--our parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, and those for whom a university education existed only as a distant dream, but one which they had the faith to believe in for our sakes. All this on the steps of Sproul.

As alumni, we have come to face new challenges and discover God in brand new ways. We've had to trust him with our post-college lives, our careers, our marriages, and new families. But one thing's remained the same; God is still speaking. He steadily reveals his purpose for our lives, makes us reconsider the myth of self-sufficiency and always preserves our hope. There, on the steps of Sproul, his hope was alive in you.

Keep serving.

an entry for august

So I have to post in this blog at least before the month is over. It's a bit difficult to post regularly in this blog when I have 5 other blogs, carefully divided into categories that reveal the different parts of me: educator, new mommy, prayer, tougher stuff. I like compartments sometimes. They at least help me organize my thoughts and they add some nice little themes to my life--ones that I'm certain will prove helpful when I begin to assemble my memoir. All these autobiographical tidbits will be useful and relatively easy to access, especially with the neat little "label" function on these blogs.

Anyway, I have a number of things I've wanted to write about in this, my semi-public blog, but whether it's the option of posting them in another blog, or the subtle intimidation that the very pronouncement, "I gotta write in my blog about this" introduces to the endeavor...I haven't successfully done so. Among the desired topics: my first time making a really good dinner after following a recipe (as seen on tv) and the joy that ensued (from the cook and the diners). Another topic I wanted to reflect on here was writing (again), as I was notably inspired upon reading Toni Morrison's Love. We share the same birthday, by the way. If I've been endowed with even a smidgeon of her talent, whew! That is yet to be determined.

Alas, life calls again. I'm off to have one last chat with Q before she leaves for college tomorrow. Thus, the blogging will resume later.

Oh, I do want to mention that I discovered an upcoming opportunity for bloggers to hear from Scott Rosenberg, the author of a book about blogging. It's called Say Everything: How Blogging Began, What It's Becoming, and Why It Matters. November 4th up at Cal. Hope to see you there! (I think that's the first time I've spoken directly to my readers in a blog, ever. Cool. (OK, enough with the metacognitive stuff)). Good night ;)

dreams | on writing

I really want to be a writer one day. I know, I know, I'm already a writer, right? In fact, I'm writing right now! But you know what I mean--a published author. One who has evidence of a process of thinking and articulating and putting thought to (ultimately) paper. And then of course, revision and feedback and finally...a tangible tri-dimensional artifact, complete with front cover and a nifty About the Author section. And of course a dedication--poignancy packed into just a petite few words. Ah! To have a published piece of work.

I know that I do indeed have a lot to offer, wherewith all of my experiences and funny way of retelling things, post-reflection and analysis. In fact, I have a journal full of personal experiences and circumstances that could very well make some bomb writing topics. At this point, I think it's just a matter of mustering enough courage to brave the risk that comes with writing, editing and publishing your work.

I mean, I just look at all these memoirs and witty fiction that are coming out and I get so excited. Like the one there, by the supermarket clerk who turned her humdrum, less-than-i-imagined, not-what-i-really-wanted kind of life into a bestseller! And it's a funny one too! Talk about making lemonade out of lemons! And I think it's great that in a world with so much diversity and different experiences that people like to bring to the forefront, underneath it all, we all have something in common with someone else. And others can benefit from seeing themselves in our stories--real or fiction.

So, to that end of stepping out of the box of anonymity and withheld talent, I am going forward with my dream of publishing a childrens' book for and about children of incarcerated parents. I know a friend from high school who maybe could illustrate it. We have an entire community of folks who would be able to relate to the subject, including churches that participate in the Angel Tree program, serving hundreds of kids here locally and hundreds of thousands nationally. I mean, it would be so amazing to be able to give these kids who often feel so isolated, whose parent's incarceration has become a secret condition, to be able to give them a book in which they can see themselves!

I don't even necessarily want to make a profit. I just want to give to kids who are like I was a chance to feel recognized, validated, and important. And I certainly don't have to be a best-seller, just want to impact some kids who need encouragement, and some folks who could use the insight on this oft-ignored fallout of mass incarceration. This venture would represent a unique coupling of my interests and talents: children of incarcerated parents + writing + testimony. All for the glory of God.

So, right now I'm researching existing children's books, the best of which so far seems to be this one, which like mine, highlights the love in the midst of the difficulty, and depicts an African-American family. Besides Woodson's book, it seems like there are very very few books that have been published in the past 5 years on the subject, nor are there many that show families of color or highlight the love that prevails. I think I've found a good niche here.

I've also been reading a book I've had for years now, All Alone in the World. It was written by a prolific journalist and highlights, with heart, the stories of these children in a format geared toward passionate workers for justice. I originally received it as a gift upon meeting with the director for Community Works, when I was applying for a job there years ago. It's funny (yet amazing) how these opportunities just build upon each other and how as long as your passion never dies, neither will the possibilities for your dreams.

A man’s gift makes room for him, And brings him before great men. Proverbs 18.16.
i.e. your gifts will make room for you, and cause you to go places you never imagined. At least that's my interpretation...

community | growing as mothers

So I just got done meeting with jj, a woman I respect and admire. As a pastor's daughter, ministry leader & partner to us, thinker, mom and wife, she has quite a bit of experience and insight that has already proven helpful to me. As she shared of their time living abroad, leading ministry and going through various transitions from students, to living internationally, to campus ministry leaders, and just as husband and wife, I definitely had some ideas flowing. Most notably, I really get the sense that everything will most certainly be okay. That everything we're experiencing now is only a part of the journey.

I'm really thankful for community. I'm looking forward to continuing to build that community around us as a family, couple, husband, wife, pastor, first lady, mom, everything. I shared with jj how there are a couple folks in our lives that we really, really trust. Who don't gossip, try to compete, who aren't jealous, who are spiritually mature, experienced in life, reflective, willing to speak the truth in love, who respect our roles as pastor and first lady and are 100% willing to defer to our judgment when it really comes down to it. Those are the golden folks, the people who we will be able to count on and who will pour into our lives and help us bear the burdens, including those ministry can bring into the equation.

It is totally fine that not everyone will fit into that category. Some others will be Timothys--ones who we will pour into and help on the journey. While those relationships will not be entirely one-sided, their nature will largely be defined by a degree of sharing only as is reasonably manageable, and for the purpose of edification. In other words, it's fine and normal only to share with people only what both sides can handle. And as the relationships mature, we'll use discernment and go along as it comes.

I'm looking forward to more intentionally connecting with women who are mothers and who are into education and social justice. It's going to be nice to reach out to more people who have similar interests to mine, and who want to raise their children to be mindful and loving toward others, and to love learning and fun as well. It is not necessary for a woman to be a Christian in order for us to connect. I think that's one of the hidden blessings that has come with becoming a mother myself, that I have been able to connect with more women than before, simply because we both have children. I can still remember my mom hanging out with women from time to time--women who were of different races and various circumstances, but with whom she could, if nothing else, connect with about mothering. It was always fun for me as a kid to hang out with their children while my mom and her friend (Mary, Sabrina, Lynn, Michelle, Susan) talked. A less-intentional form of a playdate, I suppose.

And now that it's my turn to think about and plan playdates, I'm blessed and honored to have a great selection of like-minded mothers around me. Ones who are still trying to understand what it means to be successful even when its traditional forms, which we've gotten accustomed to, suddenly escape us (prestigious schools, work that's both professional and passionate, awards and accolades). Mothers who grapple with the realities of our time: wanting to carry out some traditional roles of women, yet now doing so in a postmodern society that urges women to operate in, shall we say, a newfound freedom, a life with less boundaries. Ah, the progress in which we so foolishly believe (cf. Tropic of Orange).

Nonetheless, I look forward to connecting in new ways with those facing some of the same issues, transitions, joys, and questions that I am. I know that in a multitude of counsel, there is wisdom, and I am committed to seeking out that wise counsel without fear. Even when the hesitation creeps in, I will still venture to defeat it. I pray that God will continue to help me be trusting, open and willing to get to know others, and to love them with a gentleness, sincerity and authenticity that comes only from Him.

Without counsel, plans go awry, But in the multitude of counselors they are established. Prov. 15:22.

Reflection | My Sister's Keeper

As promised months before it came out, I went to see Sister's Keeper with Q today. We were originally drawn to it largely because of its title, or at least I was, largely because we can both relate to having that title in our own lives. We are our sister's keepers. First because she was deaf. And then because she was not well. Just the glimpses of those two title sisters holding onto one another for dear life reminded me of how I've felt with Nettie plenty times before. In a mall in So Cal, in a hospital in Fresno, in a sandbox on Pleasant. No importa where, mas importa how.

So when we first heard of the movie, Q and I determined we'd have to see it together, knowing that perhaps it would take us on a trip down memory lane. Confident that it'd spark in us a reflection on how we love our dear sister in that way only bearers of the weight of illness can grasp. The story did not disappoint. It certainly called to mind a number of components of the untold story of familial coping with illness. I recognized the heightened dysfunction, the constant tug-of-war over whose will is most noble, the desire to advocate somehow aggressed into anger and abuse, and the woeful apology that blares through it all, though muffled. It finally emerges, whispered.

I am sorry for hurt the family. Very sorry.

Even though it was never her fault. Nor is the need for the apology the fault of the family. The sickness is no one's fault; the aggressive love is no one's fault, but all the while, the pain is very real. It is a difficult cycle whose origination, impact and legacy are quite hard to discern.

Nonetheless, as has ours, the family in the movie persists. Despite the darkness, the questions, the ups, downs and everything in between, they figured out a way to love each other. Masked, shrouded, flattened, silenced, or even mangled...Love still prevails.

Thank you, Jesus.

community | commited to transformation

It is so beautiful to be a part of a community. Who would have thought when I moved here years ago that I would eventually settle here, develop a family here, and join the community that already existed, much less aid in the process of building another one based on God's love? I just walked up to B-Tech today, checking out the campus in preparation for my return in the fall. Man, I miss that place. When I first went there, it was largely because of the students, wanting to work with them in particular. Now, I'm glad to be going back because of the staff. Our relationships have grown and deepened over these past few years and I'm truly excited about reintegrating myself into the family. Even though just about all the students are ones I don't really know, it'll be great to still have some connection to their families, older siblings, and of course, their teachers.

The overlap that I feel between: our church, our family, the school, BOCA, just all of them together, is so inspiring. I mean, what if every city in America had a network of folks working together to ensure the progress of those with their backs against the wall? What if every urban place you visit had, in spite of its incidences of violence and sub-par educational experiences for youth of color, what if those places had community? A family web that kept folks accountable to one another, that forced them to ask the question, "What am I doing with my life? What am I doing to myself? What am I doing for my family?". What if we were indeed the ones?

I'm confident that the "in spite of" would turn surely turn into "instead of". That the community would trump the forces working against them. That's what we're looking for here in Berkeley. That folks' quality of life will increase, that the statistics that predict their (our) demise would cease to intimidate. And that hope would be restored. In fact, hope is already restored; it is here through the presence of the faithful few who are committed to seeing what others do not (and perhaps cannot). Because of our confidence in the One who is greater than we are, we are able to press on and run this race with vigor. We know that it is merely our endurance that matters most, considering that the race is not given to the swift, nor the strong, but to the one who endures (Solomon, in Eccl. 9.11).

Whether we have the qualifications that traditionally correlate with victory (talents, skills, education, strength), we can rest assured that what ensures our victory is staying in the race, not quitting, not relying on our own apparent strength. These are the best that we can do. Beyond our best exists only God. He will step in, fill every void, complete every missing link, and make every crooked place straight. He is the reason we hope in the unseen.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Heb 11.1)

the start | purposeful inquiry

It's been months now that I have been seriously wanting to create a blog that would showcase my thoughts, invite conversations, and ultimately, provide a forum for purposeful inquiry. If you were to search a dictionary, inquiry refers to a search for truth, knowledge, or information. These, I certainly seek. Still, above all else, I seek God--His ways, His will, His presence in my daily life. Even in the rawness and uncertainty, I'm sure that He's there, though my antennas are sometimes out of tune.

So, this blog will basically be a cumulative collection of various reflections I have. The spark of inspiration will surely vary. News as it happens. Questions for which I seek answers. Impressionable lines I read in books or the Bible. Whatever the spark, I am committing to bridling my thoughts, writing them with cohesion, and sharing them for the edification of whoever will read them. I expect this process to be liberating for me as it is the first blog I'm actually making public. I expect it to be fun, an opportunity to share the gifts God has given me. And I expect it to connect me with folks on an intimate level, inasmuch as sharing thoughts necessitates.

Sometimes redundant, sometimes apparently obvious, my ruminations nonetheless represent me. I just hope my written presentation of them will represent me just as well.