overcoming | fears of talking, loving

some thoughts i had while at the hair salon.
[because i'll certainly lose the little note paper i jotted them down on while driving home]

1. Most times, it is unnecessary to preface what we say with arguments against what we are about to say. While it seems like that serves the purpose of demonstrating our exhaustive, or at least comprehensive, knowledge of the subject and popular or opposing thoughts about it, perhaps our statements can be made most bold upon the simple stating of them. This intent is necessary for our ability to be comfortable in speaking, or more specifically, in conversing. By confidently saying what we mean, we convince. In this, convincing comes to be, not as an end unto itself, but as a byproduct of our very existence.

2. By acting in the direction of love, we act in love. Although we do not automatically know how to love one another, by going in the direction of love, we indeed act in love. That is to say, love is not a mission-vision-values type of endeavor that requires an advance strategic plan or pre-charted roadmap in order for it to come to pass. If we willingly take one step at a time and commit selfless, charitable acts one to another, that is love manifest. And when love is manifest it becomes; it is engendered and grows. Its liveliness is propelled by the continual manifestations of it. So whether we know how to love or how we will love in times to come, at least in acting in the way of love, out of the way of self (pretensions, comfort for comfort's sake, greed, vainglory, personal benefit), at least in going that way, we can know that we are lov-ing. As an action. One moment at a time. One choice at a time.

Reflection | My Sister's Keeper

As promised months before it came out, I went to see Sister's Keeper with Q today. We were originally drawn to it largely because of its title, or at least I was, largely because we can both relate to having that title in our own lives. We are our sister's keepers. First because she was deaf. And then because she was not well. Just the glimpses of those two title sisters holding onto one another for dear life reminded me of how I've felt with Nettie plenty times before. In a mall in So Cal, in a hospital in Fresno, in a sandbox on Pleasant. No importa where, mas importa how.

So when we first heard of the movie, Q and I determined we'd have to see it together, knowing that perhaps it would take us on a trip down memory lane. Confident that it'd spark in us a reflection on how we love our dear sister in that way only bearers of the weight of illness can grasp. The story did not disappoint. It certainly called to mind a number of components of the untold story of familial coping with illness. I recognized the heightened dysfunction, the constant tug-of-war over whose will is most noble, the desire to advocate somehow aggressed into anger and abuse, and the woeful apology that blares through it all, though muffled. It finally emerges, whispered.

I am sorry for hurt the family. Very sorry.

Even though it was never her fault. Nor is the need for the apology the fault of the family. The sickness is no one's fault; the aggressive love is no one's fault, but all the while, the pain is very real. It is a difficult cycle whose origination, impact and legacy are quite hard to discern.

Nonetheless, as has ours, the family in the movie persists. Despite the darkness, the questions, the ups, downs and everything in between, they figured out a way to love each other. Masked, shrouded, flattened, silenced, or even mangled...Love still prevails.

Thank you, Jesus.