giving thanks

[Re-published from my prayer blog]

If I really, really think about it, I'm not really sure what it is that I want to do.

I feel like I'm good at a number of things. And although I'm no longer in the college smorgasbord mode anymore, I do still feel a sense of openness about the world, and I know that I have not truly begun a lifelong career of anything yet.

Of course, I have a teaching credential. So that kind of gives me something that I can always do. I also feel a need to teach, simply so that I can get chunks of that massive 'grad school' debt paid off. (Don't get me started on USF). Anyway, even when I signed up for the credential program, I never expected it to be a lifelong career by any means. I wanted to teach at b-tech. I needed a credential to do it. Got in, got a credential, then a masters, then got out. bada-bing-bada-boom. oh yeah, the debt. eerrghh. *balls fists*, *pants furiously*

Beyond teaching, though, I don't know what else I truly like to do. I don't necessarily want to be my own boss. I'm not quite comfortable with managing my own list of to-do tasks and deciding how/what to do next.

For some reason, I feel like I missed something I once wanted: a cohort-style program, like Urban Fellows or even t4a. I don't like the idea of t4a because it's too big and it's a fallback for so many people and I just don't want to be one of "them," whoever they are. But I did miss the opportunity, if you will, to be a part of something tightly organized, well-established, highly programmatic and noteworthy at the same time. Not on a grandiose scale, but on a here-were-my-job-duties/that-was-the-philosophy kind of cushion. I would have liked to have that.

But instead I did the intern-teacher thing, went to a bootsey private university. (OK, it was not bootsey by any standard...just expensive. Thank God I didn't have to go to chatman or holy names or something far away) Worked at the continuation high school, had a baby, took some time off, and alas, here I am now: teaching online classes, still at the cont hs at least, connected to some people who I feel blessed to work with (students esp.)

But I still feel a tug towards something more.

And right now, I don't think that is pli (neither now nor later). I don't really want to be a principal, an administrator, a dean, a superintendent or anything like that. I don't necessarily want to be all up in the system like that. I have not yet articulated the why not, but right now I know that I don't. I will save that for another entry. In short, though, those are careers that seem so stagnant, like something of the past. You go to college, get a degree, get an advanced certificate, get a job. Stay at that job for 35 years or something. Work there, learn the job, get to know all the ins and outs of the duties, the people, the organization, the whole system of which it's all a part.

And then, ultimately, it's like you become a part of the background or something. A statue that just is. Lots of people have come and gone, but you've managed to stay there for a really long time. You lose sight of the reasons why you came into this job in the first place. An inkling of the philosophy you once had is still there, having survived massive attacks from reality through the years. But your passion is gone. You are not making change anymore. There is a change wave though, and it involves whisking people like you away. Another school of thought has come onto the scene, and you become an emblem of history. Thus...after the hullabaloo of the retirement party fades away, so do you.

K, that was a tangent. Anyway, I know that plenty of people design their own paths, if you will. (Of course God is in control and He's got it all worked out, but allow me to speak from a limited human perspective for a bit.) There are people who do things that seem like they have to be forever, and they do them for a while. And then they do something that honestly, I have a hard time conceiving. They change. They make a move in their career that upends what they've been doing and they do something else. I know it's possible. I just haven't met enough people who have done that yet. I remember hearing a statistic in college that they average person stays at a particular job for 5 years. Just 5 years. And then they move on to something else. Maybe even a different career altogether.

So in some ways, this entry marks my place on the road toward professionalism. It shows that I've only been working for a few years and I have no real sense of how things are "supposed" to work and how to make the best decisions for my next moves in life. I'm having trouble seeing that life does gives room for ups and downs and changes and whatever is needed to make it work. And I'm just getting started. I always tend to think that I need to hurry up and make a decision and always be pushing toward something else. I have trouble just living in the moment and enjoying this time for what it is. I know that that's only exacerbated by considering what I "coulda been done" by now (be finishing a PhD, have graduated from hgse r&p)

That is not good stewardship.

I need to look at where God has brought me and what He is doing in my life here and now--not in some fantastical realm somewhere.

God has orchestrated my whole life. He allowed me to have a grandmother who instilled in me a sense of Purpose, self-efficacy and determination. Despite all that I saw growing up, including a sense of entrapment in poverty, poor coping mechanisms (drugs, alcohol, displaced anger, abuse). Despite all of the ups and downs our family has faced, God has been faithful. He has provided me with stability, with consistency, and with tremendous destiny!

Who am I to not give thanks? Who am I to look longingly at a past that never was, at a set of benchmarks that He didn't ordain, and see a reason to complain? A reason to feel unaccomplished, inadequate, inferior, indeed--unblessed and unimportant?? Oh vanity!

Forgive me, Lord!

I know that by Your Power, by Your mighty Spirit, you have blessed me to make it this far. I know that great are the plans you have for me, and that the best place I can seek to be is in the center of Your will. The best goal I can seek to reach is to obey You, to honor You with my whole life: my thoughts, my ambitions, my personal sense of accomplish. Let Thy will be made manifest in me. This is my prayer. In Jesus' name, amen.