In all, Worship, and Serve.

I'm looking at this scrapbooking blog., and I'm just thinking to myself, This lady has developed a following of over 1500 readers, simply because she took her talent and interest and presented it to the public through a (free) avenue--her blog. She's probably been scrapbooking as a normal thing in her life, and now, because she stepped out there and decided to do something more with it, she's developed a real niche for herself. Something to focus on, something to be proud of, to make her husband see that, yes I've been crafting in my little corner, but look at this--other people care too. 1500+ people. I think that's pretty amazing.

I guess I'm having a little trouble developing the confidence in my hobbies that I would like to have. I would like to be more proud of the ways I spend my time, to not feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. Housework can certainly make you feel like it's not an accomplishment, considering that even though you pour your all into it, it needs to be done yet again within like a week or two. And while I love scrapbooking and papercrafts, it's definitely not bringin in any money, nor is it really reaching other people.

Perhaps there is a way to live out the Kingdom through scrapbooking. The first thing I think of is to invite people over, to use crafts as a medium to build relationships and to talk/share with others. Also, perhaps it can even become a ministry of sorts. I can see it now, "The Way's Scrapbooking Ministry will be meeting this Saturday at noon. Bring your pictures, your albums, and all your scraps for an afternoon of creativity, tea and coffee. Let's create memories together!" I mean, that's how ministry is suposed to work. God has given us talents and gifts so that they may be used for the furthering of His kingdom. I think back to a girl, Jenny, who I studied abroad with in Costa Rica. She worked with some other Christians there as part of a Surfing Ministry. She loved surfing, wanted community, so why not use it to reach others?

The other thing is that while I'm scrapbooking, I worship. Scrapbook pages are a celebration of what God has done in our lives. When I look at pictures and relive memories, I'm able to reflect on how God has blessed me in a way that the rip-and-run pace of life does not accommodate. I'm able to meditate on how He's given me family, love, joy, bountiful blessings that I couldn't even imagine years ago. I'm living the life that He has promised, and I wouldn't have it any other way. So, perhaps through making it a comittment to listen to worship music and offer prayers to God through my creations, scrapbooking will help establish and further the Kingdom in my heart and ultimately allow my gratitude and God's glory to flow through me to others more concretely.

let it out

"If you have the urge to be creative, then it's imperative that you express it."--a man whose name I do not know.

From the trailer for "Who Does She Think She Is?", a film about women, creativity, family, motherhood, and the various tensions women artists experience.

Crafts Galore

I'm on this really strong craft binge right now. It started with the scrapbooking. Then it was crocheting, (which didn't go too far). Then I got excited about doing a puzzle. But I bought a 1,000 piece one and didn't have the patience to finish it. We did about 100 pieces before I had to go get one of those puzzle mats that let you roll up what you're doing and come back to it when convenient.

Nevertheless, here lately, with the holiday season, my creative spark has reignited. As a result, I embarked on a dazzling array of projects: front door wreath, garlands, 50+ christmas cards, handmade Christmas gifts for our neighbors, complete with intricately handmade tags, and photo frame gifts. It's very exciting.

I've always had an affinity for crafting. I've tried my hand at a number of activities throughout the years: latch hook rugs, sewing with Grandma, origami (on a very amateur level), painting picture frames, a teensy dab of cross-stitching, and, of course, some painting (watercolor, mostly).

But the cool thing is, now I've got the freedom and resources to actually build on my crafty inclinations. With working part-time, having a daughter, trying to save money (on gifts, home decor, and the rest), and trying to be as resourceful as possible by reusing what we already have, crafting comes as a natural hobby worth loving. During the Black Friday sales, I was able to snag a nifty $99 craft cart for about 30 bucks. Complete with drawers and about 20 compartments for all my pens & little embellishments, it's a dream come true. It even has little ribbon spindles on the side!

So with that, I'm in the process of reorganizing our kitchen to accommodate these little treasures. While doing so, I posted on my fb that I was looking for organization supplies. One fb friend responds, "The Container Store is great!" Ha! Container Store my foot! The stuff they sell is priced at least 3x what it's probably worth. More like Ikea's $2 magazine holders. That's my kind of deal. I really love how it's all coming together. Slowly, but surely!

It's funny how I'm able to come up with craft ideas and inspiration even without cable TV or spending lots of money on books. Between At Home with Lisa Quinn, which comes on LiveWellHD channel 7-2 (thanks, DTV!), She's Crafty, which comes on some obscure dtv channel but I guess is aired in Canada, and of course, the big mamma jamma--the internet, complete with YouTube and a host of great idea sites, I've got all I need to be on a creative roll! I've been soaking up sites like:

http://www.designspongeonline.com wonderful craft projects, modern, easy-to-follow directions, clear pictures. The site authors are funny, speak to the audience directly, so I've grown "familiar" with this site.

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/ inspiration for home decor, diy projects. Some ideas are a little too avant garde for me, but I still like browsing the posts and pics.

http://photojojo.com/ I recently discovered this site (thnks to lisa quinn), but I've already fallen in love with it. Hands down the best photo projects I've ever seen. Nifty tools and ideas that reveal the creators' creativity. Love, love the ideas, the pictures, the uniqueness of the projects they've posted. Just all-around cool.

Finally, I just want to say Thank You, Lord, for bringing me this far. I remember when I didn't even have a place to keep any of my belongings. I also remember the precious times I got to share with Grandma while I was a child & pre-teen. We'd take countless trips to Hancock Fabrics and the other craft store nearby it. She'd let me pick out which patterns I wanted to work on: mostly shorts, simple skirts and a couple times, some really hard dresses that I'd need serious help from her on. She'd also continuously support my decisions to try something new. Even if it was something she'd never worked with before and that she didn't know if I'd actually follow-through with, she still bought me the supplies and gave me the space to create. I am eternally grateful for that. I believe that's what gave me the confidence to pick this back up now, with hopes of making things that show thoughtfulness, love and effort.

It is my prayer that Grandma's very best would continue to live on through me and the things I create. It is also my prayer that Sarai (and subsequent children) would love crafts, emanate creativity, and embrace projects with passion and humble gratitude. I hope that my family will look forward to creating things together and see arts and crafts as an opportunity to discover and share their hearts and selves with others. I'm thankful that the times of lack I've experienced have birthed within me the qualities of resourcefulness, gratitude, and a strong resolve to make the most of what I have. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

ineffable

my writing never seems to be able to capture
the entirety of the moment.

either i leave out the setting
the impetus for writing
the related thoughts that came before
the intensity of the moment OR
the tangents that tantalize en route

something is always,
and will always be,

missing

i think more slowly when i write.

and i talk faster than i think.

giving thanks

[Re-published from my prayer blog]

If I really, really think about it, I'm not really sure what it is that I want to do.

I feel like I'm good at a number of things. And although I'm no longer in the college smorgasbord mode anymore, I do still feel a sense of openness about the world, and I know that I have not truly begun a lifelong career of anything yet.

Of course, I have a teaching credential. So that kind of gives me something that I can always do. I also feel a need to teach, simply so that I can get chunks of that massive 'grad school' debt paid off. (Don't get me started on USF). Anyway, even when I signed up for the credential program, I never expected it to be a lifelong career by any means. I wanted to teach at b-tech. I needed a credential to do it. Got in, got a credential, then a masters, then got out. bada-bing-bada-boom. oh yeah, the debt. eerrghh. *balls fists*, *pants furiously*

Beyond teaching, though, I don't know what else I truly like to do. I don't necessarily want to be my own boss. I'm not quite comfortable with managing my own list of to-do tasks and deciding how/what to do next.

For some reason, I feel like I missed something I once wanted: a cohort-style program, like Urban Fellows or even t4a. I don't like the idea of t4a because it's too big and it's a fallback for so many people and I just don't want to be one of "them," whoever they are. But I did miss the opportunity, if you will, to be a part of something tightly organized, well-established, highly programmatic and noteworthy at the same time. Not on a grandiose scale, but on a here-were-my-job-duties/that-was-the-philosophy kind of cushion. I would have liked to have that.

But instead I did the intern-teacher thing, went to a bootsey private university. (OK, it was not bootsey by any standard...just expensive. Thank God I didn't have to go to chatman or holy names or something far away) Worked at the continuation high school, had a baby, took some time off, and alas, here I am now: teaching online classes, still at the cont hs at least, connected to some people who I feel blessed to work with (students esp.)

But I still feel a tug towards something more.

And right now, I don't think that is pli (neither now nor later). I don't really want to be a principal, an administrator, a dean, a superintendent or anything like that. I don't necessarily want to be all up in the system like that. I have not yet articulated the why not, but right now I know that I don't. I will save that for another entry. In short, though, those are careers that seem so stagnant, like something of the past. You go to college, get a degree, get an advanced certificate, get a job. Stay at that job for 35 years or something. Work there, learn the job, get to know all the ins and outs of the duties, the people, the organization, the whole system of which it's all a part.

And then, ultimately, it's like you become a part of the background or something. A statue that just is. Lots of people have come and gone, but you've managed to stay there for a really long time. You lose sight of the reasons why you came into this job in the first place. An inkling of the philosophy you once had is still there, having survived massive attacks from reality through the years. But your passion is gone. You are not making change anymore. There is a change wave though, and it involves whisking people like you away. Another school of thought has come onto the scene, and you become an emblem of history. Thus...after the hullabaloo of the retirement party fades away, so do you.

K, that was a tangent. Anyway, I know that plenty of people design their own paths, if you will. (Of course God is in control and He's got it all worked out, but allow me to speak from a limited human perspective for a bit.) There are people who do things that seem like they have to be forever, and they do them for a while. And then they do something that honestly, I have a hard time conceiving. They change. They make a move in their career that upends what they've been doing and they do something else. I know it's possible. I just haven't met enough people who have done that yet. I remember hearing a statistic in college that they average person stays at a particular job for 5 years. Just 5 years. And then they move on to something else. Maybe even a different career altogether.

So in some ways, this entry marks my place on the road toward professionalism. It shows that I've only been working for a few years and I have no real sense of how things are "supposed" to work and how to make the best decisions for my next moves in life. I'm having trouble seeing that life does gives room for ups and downs and changes and whatever is needed to make it work. And I'm just getting started. I always tend to think that I need to hurry up and make a decision and always be pushing toward something else. I have trouble just living in the moment and enjoying this time for what it is. I know that that's only exacerbated by considering what I "coulda been done" by now (be finishing a PhD, have graduated from hgse r&p)

That is not good stewardship.

I need to look at where God has brought me and what He is doing in my life here and now--not in some fantastical realm somewhere.

God has orchestrated my whole life. He allowed me to have a grandmother who instilled in me a sense of Purpose, self-efficacy and determination. Despite all that I saw growing up, including a sense of entrapment in poverty, poor coping mechanisms (drugs, alcohol, displaced anger, abuse). Despite all of the ups and downs our family has faced, God has been faithful. He has provided me with stability, with consistency, and with tremendous destiny!

Who am I to not give thanks? Who am I to look longingly at a past that never was, at a set of benchmarks that He didn't ordain, and see a reason to complain? A reason to feel unaccomplished, inadequate, inferior, indeed--unblessed and unimportant?? Oh vanity!

Forgive me, Lord!

I know that by Your Power, by Your mighty Spirit, you have blessed me to make it this far. I know that great are the plans you have for me, and that the best place I can seek to be is in the center of Your will. The best goal I can seek to reach is to obey You, to honor You with my whole life: my thoughts, my ambitions, my personal sense of accomplish. Let Thy will be made manifest in me. This is my prayer. In Jesus' name, amen.

overcoming | fear of dentists

Today marked another important step on my journey to overcoming fear. My fear of the dentist started when I was young--a byproduct of being too poor and not connected enough to know that there were options regarding which dentist we could see. Growing up, "dentist" to me equaled random hard-to-understand man who came in to do his duty, spoke harshly, caused me lots of pain, and then went into the "back," never to be seen again. And the dentist office from the outside resembled any other flashy chain store, like Ross, Sears or Dollar Tree. I never realized that the dentist could be someone with whom you developed a workable relationship and *gasp* might even look forward to seeing from time to time.

Anyway, all that meant was that I got used to hearing bad news every time I went (which was maybe once/year), and all I could ever think of was those needles and the way they kept going even when I raised my hand to tell them it hurt, like they told me to. That fear has gotten me nowhere but here---in need of 3+ root canals and a host of fillings to mend the problem-ridden teeth I've gotten used to. I remember one dentist told me when I was in college, that I must "eat lots of candies" and another said that my teeth seem "very susceptible" to cavities.

On the one hand are the numerous real-life horror stories I've had in dentists offices: from having my 2 front teeth pulled at age 4 because they'd turned brown, to receiving 14 shots to perform 6 fillings in one visit when I was in middle school, to being shown the stringy, bloody mass that was a hard-to-extract wisdom tooth. Then on the other hand, I have horrid, recurring dreams about my teeth crumbling in my hands, breaking into jagged pieces in my mouth, me spitting the shards out piece by piece. Couple these two together and a visit to the dentist represents the real life manifestation of a nightmare. Or the nightmarish manifestation of my previous reality.

Alas! God is good. Today, I had my second root canal as a full-grown adult. And I didn't cry one bit. Dr. Fong was so great. Explained procedure along the way, spoke softly, numbed me well. It went so great, I was even texting mid-procedure, as I waited for "chemicals" to penetrate. Even snapped a self-portrait and sent it over to my lil sis...now THAT's progress.

I sat in that chair and was just overcome with thanks, though. To be able to listen to that drill, smell the strange burning, then the potent chlorine-containing substances, feel the vibrations, all of it...and still feel relaxed? All God.

Just so happened to have my daughter's teething rings in my sweater pocket. Kept fingering that as a reminder of my need and desire to be strong. Also made a promise to myself that I will do right by her in the way of her dental hygiene so that she will never end up with the kinds of nightmares* I've been known to have.

I'm actually looking forward to going back and developing/continuing my doctor-patient relationship with my very own great dentist. He even called me this evening to see how I was doing. Now, that's health care!