my writing never seems to be able to capture
the entirety of the moment.
either i leave out the setting
the impetus for writing
the related thoughts that came before
the intensity of the moment OR
the tangents that tantalize en route
something is always,
and will always be,
missing
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
giving thanks
[Re-published from my prayer blog]
If I really, really think about it, I'm not really sure what it is that I want to do.
I feel like I'm good at a number of things. And although I'm no longer in the college smorgasbord mode anymore, I do still feel a sense of openness about the world, and I know that I have not truly begun a lifelong career of anything yet.
Of course, I have a teaching credential. So that kind of gives me something that I can always do. I also feel a need to teach, simply so that I can get chunks of that massive 'grad school' debt paid off. (Don't get me started on USF). Anyway, even when I signed up for the credential program, I never expected it to be a lifelong career by any means. I wanted to teach at b-tech. I needed a credential to do it. Got in, got a credential, then a masters, then got out. bada-bing-bada-boom. oh yeah, the debt. eerrghh. *balls fists*, *pants furiously*
Beyond teaching, though, I don't know what else I truly like to do. I don't necessarily want to be my own boss. I'm not quite comfortable with managing my own list of to-do tasks and deciding how/what to do next.
For some reason, I feel like I missed something I once wanted: a cohort-style program, like Urban Fellows or even t4a. I don't like the idea of t4a because it's too big and it's a fallback for so many people and I just don't want to be one of "them," whoever they are. But I did miss the opportunity, if you will, to be a part of something tightly organized, well-established, highly programmatic and noteworthy at the same time. Not on a grandiose scale, but on a here-were-my-job-duties/that-was-the-philosophy kind of cushion. I would have liked to have that.
But instead I did the intern-teacher thing, went to a bootsey private university. (OK, it was not bootsey by any standard...just expensive. Thank God I didn't have to go to chatman or holy names or something far away) Worked at the continuation high school, had a baby, took some time off, and alas, here I am now: teaching online classes, still at the cont hs at least, connected to some people who I feel blessed to work with (students esp.)
But I still feel a tug towards something more.
And right now, I don't think that is pli (neither now nor later). I don't really want to be a principal, an administrator, a dean, a superintendent or anything like that. I don't necessarily want to be all up in the system like that. I have not yet articulated the why not, but right now I know that I don't. I will save that for another entry. In short, though, those are careers that seem so stagnant, like something of the past. You go to college, get a degree, get an advanced certificate, get a job. Stay at that job for 35 years or something. Work there, learn the job, get to know all the ins and outs of the duties, the people, the organization, the whole system of which it's all a part.
And then, ultimately, it's like you become a part of the background or something. A statue that just is. Lots of people have come and gone, but you've managed to stay there for a really long time. You lose sight of the reasons why you came into this job in the first place. An inkling of the philosophy you once had is still there, having survived massive attacks from reality through the years. But your passion is gone. You are not making change anymore. There is a change wave though, and it involves whisking people like you away. Another school of thought has come onto the scene, and you become an emblem of history. Thus...after the hullabaloo of the retirement party fades away, so do you.
K, that was a tangent. Anyway, I know that plenty of people design their own paths, if you will. (Of course God is in control and He's got it all worked out, but allow me to speak from a limited human perspective for a bit.) There are people who do things that seem like they have to be forever, and they do them for a while. And then they do something that honestly, I have a hard time conceiving. They change. They make a move in their career that upends what they've been doing and they do something else. I know it's possible. I just haven't met enough people who have done that yet. I remember hearing a statistic in college that they average person stays at a particular job for 5 years. Just 5 years. And then they move on to something else. Maybe even a different career altogether.
So in some ways, this entry marks my place on the road toward professionalism. It shows that I've only been working for a few years and I have no real sense of how things are "supposed" to work and how to make the best decisions for my next moves in life. I'm having trouble seeing that life does gives room for ups and downs and changes and whatever is needed to make it work. And I'm just getting started. I always tend to think that I need to hurry up and make a decision and always be pushing toward something else. I have trouble just living in the moment and enjoying this time for what it is. I know that that's only exacerbated by considering what I "coulda been done" by now (be finishing a PhD, have graduated from hgse r&p)
That is not good stewardship.
I need to look at where God has brought me and what He is doing in my life here and now--not in some fantastical realm somewhere.
God has orchestrated my whole life. He allowed me to have a grandmother who instilled in me a sense of Purpose, self-efficacy and determination. Despite all that I saw growing up, including a sense of entrapment in poverty, poor coping mechanisms (drugs, alcohol, displaced anger, abuse). Despite all of the ups and downs our family has faced, God has been faithful. He has provided me with stability, with consistency, and with tremendous destiny!
Who am I to not give thanks? Who am I to look longingly at a past that never was, at a set of benchmarks that He didn't ordain, and see a reason to complain? A reason to feel unaccomplished, inadequate, inferior, indeed--unblessed and unimportant?? Oh vanity!
Forgive me, Lord!
I know that by Your Power, by Your mighty Spirit, you have blessed me to make it this far. I know that great are the plans you have for me, and that the best place I can seek to be is in the center of Your will. The best goal I can seek to reach is to obey You, to honor You with my whole life: my thoughts, my ambitions, my personal sense of accomplish. Let Thy will be made manifest in me. This is my prayer. In Jesus' name, amen.
If I really, really think about it, I'm not really sure what it is that I want to do.
I feel like I'm good at a number of things. And although I'm no longer in the college smorgasbord mode anymore, I do still feel a sense of openness about the world, and I know that I have not truly begun a lifelong career of anything yet.
Of course, I have a teaching credential. So that kind of gives me something that I can always do. I also feel a need to teach, simply so that I can get chunks of that massive 'grad school' debt paid off. (Don't get me started on USF). Anyway, even when I signed up for the credential program, I never expected it to be a lifelong career by any means. I wanted to teach at b-tech. I needed a credential to do it. Got in, got a credential, then a masters, then got out. bada-bing-bada-boom. oh yeah, the debt. eerrghh. *balls fists*, *pants furiously*
Beyond teaching, though, I don't know what else I truly like to do. I don't necessarily want to be my own boss. I'm not quite comfortable with managing my own list of to-do tasks and deciding how/what to do next.
For some reason, I feel like I missed something I once wanted: a cohort-style program, like Urban Fellows or even t4a. I don't like the idea of t4a because it's too big and it's a fallback for so many people and I just don't want to be one of "them," whoever they are. But I did miss the opportunity, if you will, to be a part of something tightly organized, well-established, highly programmatic and noteworthy at the same time. Not on a grandiose scale, but on a here-were-my-job-duties/that-was-the-philosophy kind of cushion. I would have liked to have that.
But instead I did the intern-teacher thing, went to a bootsey private university. (OK, it was not bootsey by any standard...just expensive. Thank God I didn't have to go to chatman or holy names or something far away) Worked at the continuation high school, had a baby, took some time off, and alas, here I am now: teaching online classes, still at the cont hs at least, connected to some people who I feel blessed to work with (students esp.)
But I still feel a tug towards something more.
And right now, I don't think that is pli (neither now nor later). I don't really want to be a principal, an administrator, a dean, a superintendent or anything like that. I don't necessarily want to be all up in the system like that. I have not yet articulated the why not, but right now I know that I don't. I will save that for another entry. In short, though, those are careers that seem so stagnant, like something of the past. You go to college, get a degree, get an advanced certificate, get a job. Stay at that job for 35 years or something. Work there, learn the job, get to know all the ins and outs of the duties, the people, the organization, the whole system of which it's all a part.
And then, ultimately, it's like you become a part of the background or something. A statue that just is. Lots of people have come and gone, but you've managed to stay there for a really long time. You lose sight of the reasons why you came into this job in the first place. An inkling of the philosophy you once had is still there, having survived massive attacks from reality through the years. But your passion is gone. You are not making change anymore. There is a change wave though, and it involves whisking people like you away. Another school of thought has come onto the scene, and you become an emblem of history. Thus...after the hullabaloo of the retirement party fades away, so do you.
K, that was a tangent. Anyway, I know that plenty of people design their own paths, if you will. (Of course God is in control and He's got it all worked out, but allow me to speak from a limited human perspective for a bit.) There are people who do things that seem like they have to be forever, and they do them for a while. And then they do something that honestly, I have a hard time conceiving. They change. They make a move in their career that upends what they've been doing and they do something else. I know it's possible. I just haven't met enough people who have done that yet. I remember hearing a statistic in college that they average person stays at a particular job for 5 years. Just 5 years. And then they move on to something else. Maybe even a different career altogether.
So in some ways, this entry marks my place on the road toward professionalism. It shows that I've only been working for a few years and I have no real sense of how things are "supposed" to work and how to make the best decisions for my next moves in life. I'm having trouble seeing that life does gives room for ups and downs and changes and whatever is needed to make it work. And I'm just getting started. I always tend to think that I need to hurry up and make a decision and always be pushing toward something else. I have trouble just living in the moment and enjoying this time for what it is. I know that that's only exacerbated by considering what I "coulda been done" by now (be finishing a PhD, have graduated from hgse r&p)
That is not good stewardship.
I need to look at where God has brought me and what He is doing in my life here and now--not in some fantastical realm somewhere.
God has orchestrated my whole life. He allowed me to have a grandmother who instilled in me a sense of Purpose, self-efficacy and determination. Despite all that I saw growing up, including a sense of entrapment in poverty, poor coping mechanisms (drugs, alcohol, displaced anger, abuse). Despite all of the ups and downs our family has faced, God has been faithful. He has provided me with stability, with consistency, and with tremendous destiny!
Who am I to not give thanks? Who am I to look longingly at a past that never was, at a set of benchmarks that He didn't ordain, and see a reason to complain? A reason to feel unaccomplished, inadequate, inferior, indeed--unblessed and unimportant?? Oh vanity!
Forgive me, Lord!
I know that by Your Power, by Your mighty Spirit, you have blessed me to make it this far. I know that great are the plans you have for me, and that the best place I can seek to be is in the center of Your will. The best goal I can seek to reach is to obey You, to honor You with my whole life: my thoughts, my ambitions, my personal sense of accomplish. Let Thy will be made manifest in me. This is my prayer. In Jesus' name, amen.
Friday, November 13, 2009
overcoming | fear of dentists
Today marked another important step on my journey to overcoming fear. My fear of the dentist started when I was young--a byproduct of being too poor and not connected enough to know that there were options regarding which dentist we could see. Growing up, "dentist" to me equaled random hard-to-understand man who came in to do his duty, spoke harshly, caused me lots of pain, and then went into the "back," never to be seen again. And the dentist office from the outside resembled any other flashy chain store, like Ross, Sears or Dollar Tree. I never realized that the dentist could be someone with whom you developed a workable relationship and *gasp* might even look forward to seeing from time to time.
Anyway, all that meant was that I got used to hearing bad news every time I went (which was maybe once/year), and all I could ever think of was those needles and the way they kept going even when I raised my hand to tell them it hurt, like they told me to. That fear has gotten me nowhere but here---in need of 3+ root canals and a host of fillings to mend the problem-ridden teeth I've gotten used to. I remember one dentist told me when I was in college, that I must "eat lots of candies" and another said that my teeth seem "very susceptible" to cavities.
On the one hand are the numerous real-life horror stories I've had in dentists offices: from having my 2 front teeth pulled at age 4 because they'd turned brown, to receiving 14 shots to perform 6 fillings in one visit when I was in middle school, to being shown the stringy, bloody mass that was a hard-to-extract wisdom tooth. Then on the other hand, I have horrid, recurring dreams about my teeth crumbling in my hands, breaking into jagged pieces in my mouth, me spitting the shards out piece by piece. Couple these two together and a visit to the dentist represents the real life manifestation of a nightmare. Or the nightmarish manifestation of my previous reality.
Alas! God is good. Today, I had my second root canal as a full-grown adult. And I didn't cry one bit. Dr. Fong was so great. Explained procedure along the way, spoke softly, numbed me well. It went so great, I was even texting mid-procedure, as I waited for "chemicals" to penetrate. Even snapped a self-portrait and sent it over to my lil sis...now THAT's progress.
I sat in that chair and was just overcome with thanks, though. To be able to listen to that drill, smell the strange burning, then the potent chlorine-containing substances, feel the vibrations, all of it...and still feel relaxed? All God.
Just so happened to have my daughter's teething rings in my sweater pocket. Kept fingering that as a reminder of my need and desire to be strong. Also made a promise to myself that I will do right by her in the way of her dental hygiene so that she will never end up with the kinds of nightmares* I've been known to have.
I'm actually looking forward to going back and developing/continuing my doctor-patient relationship with my very own great dentist. He even called me this evening to see how I was doing. Now, that's health care!
Anyway, all that meant was that I got used to hearing bad news every time I went (which was maybe once/year), and all I could ever think of was those needles and the way they kept going even when I raised my hand to tell them it hurt, like they told me to. That fear has gotten me nowhere but here---in need of 3+ root canals and a host of fillings to mend the problem-ridden teeth I've gotten used to. I remember one dentist told me when I was in college, that I must "eat lots of candies" and another said that my teeth seem "very susceptible" to cavities.
On the one hand are the numerous real-life horror stories I've had in dentists offices: from having my 2 front teeth pulled at age 4 because they'd turned brown, to receiving 14 shots to perform 6 fillings in one visit when I was in middle school, to being shown the stringy, bloody mass that was a hard-to-extract wisdom tooth. Then on the other hand, I have horrid, recurring dreams about my teeth crumbling in my hands, breaking into jagged pieces in my mouth, me spitting the shards out piece by piece. Couple these two together and a visit to the dentist represents the real life manifestation of a nightmare. Or the nightmarish manifestation of my previous reality.
Alas! God is good. Today, I had my second root canal as a full-grown adult. And I didn't cry one bit. Dr. Fong was so great. Explained procedure along the way, spoke softly, numbed me well. It went so great, I was even texting mid-procedure, as I waited for "chemicals" to penetrate. Even snapped a self-portrait and sent it over to my lil sis...now THAT's progress.
I sat in that chair and was just overcome with thanks, though. To be able to listen to that drill, smell the strange burning, then the potent chlorine-containing substances, feel the vibrations, all of it...and still feel relaxed? All God.
Just so happened to have my daughter's teething rings in my sweater pocket. Kept fingering that as a reminder of my need and desire to be strong. Also made a promise to myself that I will do right by her in the way of her dental hygiene so that she will never end up with the kinds of nightmares* I've been known to have.
I'm actually looking forward to going back and developing/continuing my doctor-patient relationship with my very own great dentist. He even called me this evening to see how I was doing. Now, that's health care!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
just a few places I've seen Him
all for the glory of God: The common thread in my life, no matter what may happen. No matter what changes I go through, what new things pop up in society, what wave of thought/ideology/ becomes popular, what happens in my family, my life, this world. No matter what, I will follow Jesus. I will seek him and I will find him.
It is utterly refreshing to know that amidst the changes that comes simply with the tides of life, the pendulum of history, amidst those changes, God remains the same. He spoke to me years ago now, about what He had for me to do: to serve in the the inner-city, to love those who are ignored, who seem unlovable. To share my experiences and to be a blessing. To learn of Him through my journey and work. That is, to discover Him in the city. To find his hope there.
And I am oh-so-glad I have chosen to follow Him!! Slowly, but surely. Certainly. I am finding Him.
He is in so many places. I catch glimpses of Him day by day. And to write of them is to attempt to describe something grand and Larger than, something so personal I have never tried to articulate it in intelligible words.
He is in the fervor in the voices of mothers who want their children to do better than they did.
He is in the heart, the inner-self, the deepest inextricable part of those who've had their backs against the wall, who've made decisions out of what they knew. Those who, limited in their options, have done what they could with what they had--family, gov't help, their own two feet, etc.
He is in the desire young people have to do better. The desire, deep down, to stop end their use of drugs, to come to school, to have a parent say "I love you", to have a teacher say "I care about you" and mean it. The desire to have a hope, and a future. The smile they give when we say we're proud of them. The little things they do to help each other out--console, advise, agree, direct.
It is utterly refreshing to know that amidst the changes that comes simply with the tides of life, the pendulum of history, amidst those changes, God remains the same. He spoke to me years ago now, about what He had for me to do: to serve in the the inner-city, to love those who are ignored, who seem unlovable. To share my experiences and to be a blessing. To learn of Him through my journey and work. That is, to discover Him in the city. To find his hope there.
And I am oh-so-glad I have chosen to follow Him!! Slowly, but surely. Certainly. I am finding Him.
He is in so many places. I catch glimpses of Him day by day. And to write of them is to attempt to describe something grand and Larger than, something so personal I have never tried to articulate it in intelligible words.
He is in the fervor in the voices of mothers who want their children to do better than they did.
He is in the heart, the inner-self, the deepest inextricable part of those who've had their backs against the wall, who've made decisions out of what they knew. Those who, limited in their options, have done what they could with what they had--family, gov't help, their own two feet, etc.
He is in the desire young people have to do better. The desire, deep down, to stop end their use of drugs, to come to school, to have a parent say "I love you", to have a teacher say "I care about you" and mean it. The desire to have a hope, and a future. The smile they give when we say we're proud of them. The little things they do to help each other out--console, advise, agree, direct.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
wondering about justice
I just finished watching an episode of Justice, a program on PBS that is a televised series of lectures from Harvard University. The episode centered on two topics: military recruitment and surrogate motherhood. The general question that permeated both open class discussions was: are these practices unjust? The format for discussion was open for students to respond and engage with questions posed both by the professor and also by their peers. It was interesting how the conversations took shape and seemed to end with students realizing that their initial answers to that question of justice contradicted their later answers (based on general consensus polls).
Basically, it got me to thinking...How do you interrogate issues of justice without a moral center?
I'm really curious as to how that works. I mean, certainly, that is the case in law schools across the nation. Law schools are inherently secular in that they teach, promote and refer to a legal system of a non-religious allegiance. Yet the issues so often prove to be moral ones for so many people. How does a a group of people pondering law then dig into and tackle these issues without a common ground for morality. I'm sure any student of law would likely be able to help me understand the pretext and context for how this works.
My understanding of the answer to my original question is that justice in this nation functions with no necessity of morality. Indeed, the concept of morality is one that, while it may overlap with notions of what is just, does not have as much credence in a court of law, as say, the law itself. On the other hand of course, laws do point to a general sense of morality, such as it is generally immoral to kill another person, but the priorities of law do not require morality as a prerequisite for justice. Therefore there comes a point in secular law when just does not equal moral. So, again...how do you conceive of justice without a moral center? What, then, does justice even mean?
Basically, it got me to thinking...How do you interrogate issues of justice without a moral center?
I'm really curious as to how that works. I mean, certainly, that is the case in law schools across the nation. Law schools are inherently secular in that they teach, promote and refer to a legal system of a non-religious allegiance. Yet the issues so often prove to be moral ones for so many people. How does a a group of people pondering law then dig into and tackle these issues without a common ground for morality. I'm sure any student of law would likely be able to help me understand the pretext and context for how this works.
My understanding of the answer to my original question is that justice in this nation functions with no necessity of morality. Indeed, the concept of morality is one that, while it may overlap with notions of what is just, does not have as much credence in a court of law, as say, the law itself. On the other hand of course, laws do point to a general sense of morality, such as it is generally immoral to kill another person, but the priorities of law do not require morality as a prerequisite for justice. Therefore there comes a point in secular law when just does not equal moral. So, again...how do you conceive of justice without a moral center? What, then, does justice even mean?
Friday, October 9, 2009
overcoming | fears of talking, loving
some thoughts i had while at the hair salon.
[because i'll certainly lose the little note paper i jotted them down on while driving home]
1. Most times, it is unnecessary to preface what we say with arguments against what we are about to say. While it seems like that serves the purpose of demonstrating our exhaustive, or at least comprehensive, knowledge of the subject and popular or opposing thoughts about it, perhaps our statements can be made most bold upon the simple stating of them. This intent is necessary for our ability to be comfortable in speaking, or more specifically, in conversing. By confidently saying what we mean, we convince. In this, convincing comes to be, not as an end unto itself, but as a byproduct of our very existence.
2. By acting in the direction of love, we act in love. Although we do not automatically know how to love one another, by going in the direction of love, we indeed act in love. That is to say, love is not a mission-vision-values type of endeavor that requires an advance strategic plan or pre-charted roadmap in order for it to come to pass. If we willingly take one step at a time and commit selfless, charitable acts one to another, that is love manifest. And when love is manifest it becomes; it is engendered and grows. Its liveliness is propelled by the continual manifestations of it. So whether we know how to love or how we will love in times to come, at least in acting in the way of love, out of the way of self (pretensions, comfort for comfort's sake, greed, vainglory, personal benefit), at least in going that way, we can know that we are lov-ing. As an action. One moment at a time. One choice at a time.
[because i'll certainly lose the little note paper i jotted them down on while driving home]
1. Most times, it is unnecessary to preface what we say with arguments against what we are about to say. While it seems like that serves the purpose of demonstrating our exhaustive, or at least comprehensive, knowledge of the subject and popular or opposing thoughts about it, perhaps our statements can be made most bold upon the simple stating of them. This intent is necessary for our ability to be comfortable in speaking, or more specifically, in conversing. By confidently saying what we mean, we convince. In this, convincing comes to be, not as an end unto itself, but as a byproduct of our very existence.
2. By acting in the direction of love, we act in love. Although we do not automatically know how to love one another, by going in the direction of love, we indeed act in love. That is to say, love is not a mission-vision-values type of endeavor that requires an advance strategic plan or pre-charted roadmap in order for it to come to pass. If we willingly take one step at a time and commit selfless, charitable acts one to another, that is love manifest. And when love is manifest it becomes; it is engendered and grows. Its liveliness is propelled by the continual manifestations of it. So whether we know how to love or how we will love in times to come, at least in acting in the way of love, out of the way of self (pretensions, comfort for comfort's sake, greed, vainglory, personal benefit), at least in going that way, we can know that we are lov-ing. As an action. One moment at a time. One choice at a time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
