Today marked another important step on my journey to overcoming fear. My fear of the dentist started when I was young--a byproduct of being too poor and not connected enough to know that there were options regarding which dentist we could see. Growing up, "dentist" to me equaled random hard-to-understand man who came in to do his duty, spoke harshly, caused me lots of pain, and then went into the "back," never to be seen again. And the dentist office from the outside resembled any other flashy chain store, like Ross, Sears or Dollar Tree. I never realized that the dentist could be someone with whom you developed a workable relationship and *gasp* might even look forward to seeing from time to time.
Anyway, all that meant was that I got used to hearing bad news every time I went (which was maybe once/year), and all I could ever think of was those needles and the way they kept going even when I raised my hand to tell them it hurt, like they told me to. That fear has gotten me nowhere but here---in need of 3+ root canals and a host of fillings to mend the problem-ridden teeth I've gotten used to. I remember one dentist told me when I was in college, that I must "eat lots of candies" and another said that my teeth seem "very susceptible" to cavities.
On the one hand are the numerous real-life horror stories I've had in dentists offices: from having my 2 front teeth pulled at age 4 because they'd turned brown, to receiving 14 shots to perform 6 fillings in one visit when I was in middle school, to being shown the stringy, bloody mass that was a hard-to-extract wisdom tooth. Then on the other hand, I have horrid, recurring dreams about my teeth crumbling in my hands, breaking into jagged pieces in my mouth, me spitting the shards out piece by piece. Couple these two together and a visit to the dentist represents the real life manifestation of a nightmare. Or the nightmarish manifestation of my previous reality.
Alas! God is good. Today, I had my second root canal as a full-grown adult. And I didn't cry one bit. Dr. Fong was so great. Explained procedure along the way, spoke softly, numbed me well. It went so great, I was even texting mid-procedure, as I waited for "chemicals" to penetrate. Even snapped a self-portrait and sent it over to my lil sis...now THAT's progress.
I sat in that chair and was just overcome with thanks, though. To be able to listen to that drill, smell the strange burning, then the potent chlorine-containing substances, feel the vibrations, all of it...and still feel relaxed? All God.
Just so happened to have my daughter's teething rings in my sweater pocket. Kept fingering that as a reminder of my need and desire to be strong. Also made a promise to myself that I will do right by her in the way of her dental hygiene so that she will never end up with the kinds of nightmares* I've been known to have.
I'm actually looking forward to going back and developing/continuing my doctor-patient relationship with my very own great dentist. He even called me this evening to see how I was doing. Now, that's health care!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
just a few places I've seen Him
all for the glory of God: The common thread in my life, no matter what may happen. No matter what changes I go through, what new things pop up in society, what wave of thought/ideology/ becomes popular, what happens in my family, my life, this world. No matter what, I will follow Jesus. I will seek him and I will find him.
It is utterly refreshing to know that amidst the changes that comes simply with the tides of life, the pendulum of history, amidst those changes, God remains the same. He spoke to me years ago now, about what He had for me to do: to serve in the the inner-city, to love those who are ignored, who seem unlovable. To share my experiences and to be a blessing. To learn of Him through my journey and work. That is, to discover Him in the city. To find his hope there.
And I am oh-so-glad I have chosen to follow Him!! Slowly, but surely. Certainly. I am finding Him.
He is in so many places. I catch glimpses of Him day by day. And to write of them is to attempt to describe something grand and Larger than, something so personal I have never tried to articulate it in intelligible words.
He is in the fervor in the voices of mothers who want their children to do better than they did.
He is in the heart, the inner-self, the deepest inextricable part of those who've had their backs against the wall, who've made decisions out of what they knew. Those who, limited in their options, have done what they could with what they had--family, gov't help, their own two feet, etc.
He is in the desire young people have to do better. The desire, deep down, to stop end their use of drugs, to come to school, to have a parent say "I love you", to have a teacher say "I care about you" and mean it. The desire to have a hope, and a future. The smile they give when we say we're proud of them. The little things they do to help each other out--console, advise, agree, direct.
It is utterly refreshing to know that amidst the changes that comes simply with the tides of life, the pendulum of history, amidst those changes, God remains the same. He spoke to me years ago now, about what He had for me to do: to serve in the the inner-city, to love those who are ignored, who seem unlovable. To share my experiences and to be a blessing. To learn of Him through my journey and work. That is, to discover Him in the city. To find his hope there.
And I am oh-so-glad I have chosen to follow Him!! Slowly, but surely. Certainly. I am finding Him.
He is in so many places. I catch glimpses of Him day by day. And to write of them is to attempt to describe something grand and Larger than, something so personal I have never tried to articulate it in intelligible words.
He is in the fervor in the voices of mothers who want their children to do better than they did.
He is in the heart, the inner-self, the deepest inextricable part of those who've had their backs against the wall, who've made decisions out of what they knew. Those who, limited in their options, have done what they could with what they had--family, gov't help, their own two feet, etc.
He is in the desire young people have to do better. The desire, deep down, to stop end their use of drugs, to come to school, to have a parent say "I love you", to have a teacher say "I care about you" and mean it. The desire to have a hope, and a future. The smile they give when we say we're proud of them. The little things they do to help each other out--console, advise, agree, direct.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
wondering about justice
I just finished watching an episode of Justice, a program on PBS that is a televised series of lectures from Harvard University. The episode centered on two topics: military recruitment and surrogate motherhood. The general question that permeated both open class discussions was: are these practices unjust? The format for discussion was open for students to respond and engage with questions posed both by the professor and also by their peers. It was interesting how the conversations took shape and seemed to end with students realizing that their initial answers to that question of justice contradicted their later answers (based on general consensus polls).
Basically, it got me to thinking...How do you interrogate issues of justice without a moral center?
I'm really curious as to how that works. I mean, certainly, that is the case in law schools across the nation. Law schools are inherently secular in that they teach, promote and refer to a legal system of a non-religious allegiance. Yet the issues so often prove to be moral ones for so many people. How does a a group of people pondering law then dig into and tackle these issues without a common ground for morality. I'm sure any student of law would likely be able to help me understand the pretext and context for how this works.
My understanding of the answer to my original question is that justice in this nation functions with no necessity of morality. Indeed, the concept of morality is one that, while it may overlap with notions of what is just, does not have as much credence in a court of law, as say, the law itself. On the other hand of course, laws do point to a general sense of morality, such as it is generally immoral to kill another person, but the priorities of law do not require morality as a prerequisite for justice. Therefore there comes a point in secular law when just does not equal moral. So, again...how do you conceive of justice without a moral center? What, then, does justice even mean?
Basically, it got me to thinking...How do you interrogate issues of justice without a moral center?
I'm really curious as to how that works. I mean, certainly, that is the case in law schools across the nation. Law schools are inherently secular in that they teach, promote and refer to a legal system of a non-religious allegiance. Yet the issues so often prove to be moral ones for so many people. How does a a group of people pondering law then dig into and tackle these issues without a common ground for morality. I'm sure any student of law would likely be able to help me understand the pretext and context for how this works.
My understanding of the answer to my original question is that justice in this nation functions with no necessity of morality. Indeed, the concept of morality is one that, while it may overlap with notions of what is just, does not have as much credence in a court of law, as say, the law itself. On the other hand of course, laws do point to a general sense of morality, such as it is generally immoral to kill another person, but the priorities of law do not require morality as a prerequisite for justice. Therefore there comes a point in secular law when just does not equal moral. So, again...how do you conceive of justice without a moral center? What, then, does justice even mean?
Friday, October 9, 2009
overcoming | fears of talking, loving
some thoughts i had while at the hair salon.
[because i'll certainly lose the little note paper i jotted them down on while driving home]
1. Most times, it is unnecessary to preface what we say with arguments against what we are about to say. While it seems like that serves the purpose of demonstrating our exhaustive, or at least comprehensive, knowledge of the subject and popular or opposing thoughts about it, perhaps our statements can be made most bold upon the simple stating of them. This intent is necessary for our ability to be comfortable in speaking, or more specifically, in conversing. By confidently saying what we mean, we convince. In this, convincing comes to be, not as an end unto itself, but as a byproduct of our very existence.
2. By acting in the direction of love, we act in love. Although we do not automatically know how to love one another, by going in the direction of love, we indeed act in love. That is to say, love is not a mission-vision-values type of endeavor that requires an advance strategic plan or pre-charted roadmap in order for it to come to pass. If we willingly take one step at a time and commit selfless, charitable acts one to another, that is love manifest. And when love is manifest it becomes; it is engendered and grows. Its liveliness is propelled by the continual manifestations of it. So whether we know how to love or how we will love in times to come, at least in acting in the way of love, out of the way of self (pretensions, comfort for comfort's sake, greed, vainglory, personal benefit), at least in going that way, we can know that we are lov-ing. As an action. One moment at a time. One choice at a time.
[because i'll certainly lose the little note paper i jotted them down on while driving home]
1. Most times, it is unnecessary to preface what we say with arguments against what we are about to say. While it seems like that serves the purpose of demonstrating our exhaustive, or at least comprehensive, knowledge of the subject and popular or opposing thoughts about it, perhaps our statements can be made most bold upon the simple stating of them. This intent is necessary for our ability to be comfortable in speaking, or more specifically, in conversing. By confidently saying what we mean, we convince. In this, convincing comes to be, not as an end unto itself, but as a byproduct of our very existence.
2. By acting in the direction of love, we act in love. Although we do not automatically know how to love one another, by going in the direction of love, we indeed act in love. That is to say, love is not a mission-vision-values type of endeavor that requires an advance strategic plan or pre-charted roadmap in order for it to come to pass. If we willingly take one step at a time and commit selfless, charitable acts one to another, that is love manifest. And when love is manifest it becomes; it is engendered and grows. Its liveliness is propelled by the continual manifestations of it. So whether we know how to love or how we will love in times to come, at least in acting in the way of love, out of the way of self (pretensions, comfort for comfort's sake, greed, vainglory, personal benefit), at least in going that way, we can know that we are lov-ing. As an action. One moment at a time. One choice at a time.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
devo | ⌘n
I love the regenerative nature of the internet and many computer applications. Exhausted your things-to-do on a particular website? Enter new contents in the address bar and the site you were just on becomes the stuff of history.
No longer intrigued by the array of news at your fingertips, but considering coming back to it a little later? Hit command+t and a new tab presents amazingly endless possibilities for your investigative pleasure.
Run out of ideas as you outline that path of thought in Word? Command+n gives you an all new canvas onto which you can visualize your latest musings.
Better yet, use the Word Notebook palette and it can automatically organize those thoughts into an official outline format, giving you the space to sort your sub-thoughts and more. I digress.
The point is, computer programs allow you to create, delete, recreate, store, restore, redesign and just continue on a long-lasting adventure of doing and making. I like that.
And even more than I like that, I like how God gives us a similar opportunity to change things around. His word reminds us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. We can go through life trying to make do with what we have, or we can search His word and His way for what we might be missing.
Only when our minds are renewed are we able to truly appreciate the life he has given us. With a renewed mind, we can see opportunity even where closed doors abound. We can hear "victory" when failure seems imminent.
When our minds are renewed, we are afforded a fresh start again and again. We can go forth with a blessed assurance that our next steps will be better than our previous ones, enriched by the new insight we have from hindsight.
That is vision. And coupled with the kind of strength acquired only by making a few mistakes and learning from them, this vision functions like the command+n I so love and need. Let's not forget to give God thanks for his amazing reNEWal.
No longer intrigued by the array of news at your fingertips, but considering coming back to it a little later? Hit command+t and a new tab presents amazingly endless possibilities for your investigative pleasure.
Run out of ideas as you outline that path of thought in Word? Command+n gives you an all new canvas onto which you can visualize your latest musings.
Better yet, use the Word Notebook palette and it can automatically organize those thoughts into an official outline format, giving you the space to sort your sub-thoughts and more. I digress.
The point is, computer programs allow you to create, delete, recreate, store, restore, redesign and just continue on a long-lasting adventure of doing and making. I like that.
And even more than I like that, I like how God gives us a similar opportunity to change things around. His word reminds us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. We can go through life trying to make do with what we have, or we can search His word and His way for what we might be missing.
Only when our minds are renewed are we able to truly appreciate the life he has given us. With a renewed mind, we can see opportunity even where closed doors abound. We can hear "victory" when failure seems imminent.
When our minds are renewed, we are afforded a fresh start again and again. We can go forth with a blessed assurance that our next steps will be better than our previous ones, enriched by the new insight we have from hindsight.
That is vision. And coupled with the kind of strength acquired only by making a few mistakes and learning from them, this vision functions like the command+n I so love and need. Let's not forget to give God thanks for his amazing reNEWal.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
to bcm at cal
As we stood on Cal's campus today watching the display of cultural rhythms and passionate purveyors of Black pride, I was struck. I was struck by the bold display of our presence on that campus--one whose demographic statistics attest to a shrinking Black population. I loved seeing the different groups out there tabling, giving meandering Black students an opportunity to see that there are others who may be like them, others who've weathered the storms of Cal and come out stronger. But most of all, I was inspired by the leaders and participants of BCM.
You've come a long way, BCM. You students who carry the tremendous mantle of African-American Christian outreach on Cal's campus are carrying forth the vision, prayers and dreams of those of us who came before you. Those of us who preceded you in tenure at Cal can remember the days when all we had in the way of outreach was a weekly Bible study, one study that afforded the five or six of us who came faithfully an opportunity mostly to connect with each other. God gave us strength to endure the trials of attending one of the world's premier educational institutions--a place that lauds constant critical critique and often scoffs at the mere thought of believing in something/one you cannot scientifically or theoretically prove.
Still, we did what God asked us to do; we sought Him, served Him and committed our time and talents to the work of campus ministry. And more than anything, I believe that God set it in our hearts to pray. That time in BCM @Cal's history was one in which God tested our faithfulness to ask Him for what we had need of. This time in BCM @Cal's history is one in which God is rewarding that faithfulness in a way that far exceeds any predetermined expectations we may have had for Him on the campus of our alma mater.
When I sat at that BCM table and looked out at the BCM gospel choir belting out: "I'm goin' home to live with Jesus! Fare thee well, Fare thee well!" my heart leaped within me. For there, on the steps of Sproul, our beautiful people displayed our culture, gratitude and faith. We, a tireless people who have endured ridicule, withstood disparagement and survived dehumanization, can stand tall, link arms, and articulate ourselves with all the intellect, passion, and flavor with which God has so blessed us. As I listened to you all belt out with fervor your love for God, you sang the melodies of those who came before you--not just alumni, but those who paved the way--our parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, and those for whom a university education existed only as a distant dream, but one which they had the faith to believe in for our sakes. All this on the steps of Sproul.
As alumni, we have come to face new challenges and discover God in brand new ways. We've had to trust him with our post-college lives, our careers, our marriages, and new families. But one thing's remained the same; God is still speaking. He steadily reveals his purpose for our lives, makes us reconsider the myth of self-sufficiency and always preserves our hope. There, on the steps of Sproul, his hope was alive in you.
Keep serving.
You've come a long way, BCM. You students who carry the tremendous mantle of African-American Christian outreach on Cal's campus are carrying forth the vision, prayers and dreams of those of us who came before you. Those of us who preceded you in tenure at Cal can remember the days when all we had in the way of outreach was a weekly Bible study, one study that afforded the five or six of us who came faithfully an opportunity mostly to connect with each other. God gave us strength to endure the trials of attending one of the world's premier educational institutions--a place that lauds constant critical critique and often scoffs at the mere thought of believing in something/one you cannot scientifically or theoretically prove.
Still, we did what God asked us to do; we sought Him, served Him and committed our time and talents to the work of campus ministry. And more than anything, I believe that God set it in our hearts to pray. That time in BCM @Cal's history was one in which God tested our faithfulness to ask Him for what we had need of. This time in BCM @Cal's history is one in which God is rewarding that faithfulness in a way that far exceeds any predetermined expectations we may have had for Him on the campus of our alma mater.
When I sat at that BCM table and looked out at the BCM gospel choir belting out: "I'm goin' home to live with Jesus! Fare thee well, Fare thee well!" my heart leaped within me. For there, on the steps of Sproul, our beautiful people displayed our culture, gratitude and faith. We, a tireless people who have endured ridicule, withstood disparagement and survived dehumanization, can stand tall, link arms, and articulate ourselves with all the intellect, passion, and flavor with which God has so blessed us. As I listened to you all belt out with fervor your love for God, you sang the melodies of those who came before you--not just alumni, but those who paved the way--our parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, and those for whom a university education existed only as a distant dream, but one which they had the faith to believe in for our sakes. All this on the steps of Sproul.
As alumni, we have come to face new challenges and discover God in brand new ways. We've had to trust him with our post-college lives, our careers, our marriages, and new families. But one thing's remained the same; God is still speaking. He steadily reveals his purpose for our lives, makes us reconsider the myth of self-sufficiency and always preserves our hope. There, on the steps of Sproul, his hope was alive in you.
Keep serving.
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